#CoronaOutbreak
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best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Well, this certainly took a turn
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”