I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
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People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
even bears disappoint their mothers
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”