If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
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imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card