A small tragedy.
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Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
mariah carrie
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Breaking news:
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I thought this was funny lol
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.