I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
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My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.