10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
You Might Also Like
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
me hitting on a model
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
When you try jalapeños for the first time
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?