*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
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My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies