Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
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Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.