*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
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I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.