I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
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The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Carpe DM
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.