It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
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Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
The Struggle
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.