Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
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What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.