A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
You Might Also Like
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess