damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
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When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.