On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
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Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.