My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
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*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!