I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
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So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself itās no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Her: why donāt we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
me: [thinking] I donāt want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I still canāt believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth š
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Saying you’re single
ā¢ sobering
ā¢ gets you sad looks at parties
ā¢ invites relatives to murmur āyou’ll find someoneā for everSaying āI stand aloneā
ā¢ mysterious
ā¢ confident
ā¢ puts you on the same level as ThĆ©oden King
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like āeating a burgerā and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini