Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
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If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]