I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
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People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
synchronized noseblowing
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic