There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
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ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
unbelievably distressed by this ad