[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
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Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.