June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
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Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Reporter: *ports again*
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.