[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
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I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.