Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
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When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.