[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
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If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.