*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
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December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
January is lasting longer than my marriage
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
There’s never enough good news
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please