The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
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Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell