Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
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I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
October already? What’s next? November????
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king