It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
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can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
This is why I hate group projects
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.