CUTE CAT‼︎
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Lol #dogsoftwitter
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Is your wife single?
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.