In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
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Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
#Caturday
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame