Imma just leave this here…………
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Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
wishing you and yours all the best
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When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them