Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
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If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?