BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
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*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself