*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
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fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”