an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
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Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker