I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
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The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
what
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose