I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
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it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.