I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
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i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence