Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
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Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate