Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
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How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.