no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
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People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
So creative 😂
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
no one likes gloating
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Steam Forums
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”