ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
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The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
*has no idea what a book even is*
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet