Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
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Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.