It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
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How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Risking my life for fun.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.