I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
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[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.