she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
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My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Meowchelangelo
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.