Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
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If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories