*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
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Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
an airline just for babies.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.