Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
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I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”